Lying To Everybody Except To Myself
by Eowane
Summary: Emily Lightman is another kind of "natural"...But how far can you hide yourself from those around you?
1. Chapter 1

Lying to everybody but myself

**Chapter 1**

In this story it's Emily who is being honored and I brought some changes needed: Emily has not 16 but 23 (she was born seven years earlier) and is now a student at the university, Cal and the rest of the characters have the same age as the serie and all of the action remains relatively unchanged.

PS: The subject of this story may offend the sensibility of minds closer (Class K +, maybe T to come), be warned ...

PS 2: I'm french so I try to translate my story but i'm sure this won't be as good as the original, so I'm already sorry for that.

If anyone wants to be a beta to me, feel free to let me know!  
Excellent reading to everybody.

Disclaimer: Do not own anything ...

Lying To Everybody But Myself

" The work of Charles Darwin and his many successors have stretched to demonstrate the universality of facial emotions in humans faces.

On this premise, Dr. Paul Ekman has worked extensively on the recognition of thoses emotions and he could identifying and updating the existence of what he called "microexpressions".

Expressions of tiny subtle reveal within 0.25 seconds of emotion on the face of a person.

Such works were subsequently carried particularly in the fields of behavioral science to identify the truth and lies in people.

Dr. Cal Lightman, a world renowned expert in the field of lie detection, has prompted further the experience to find out what he called "the naturals" ...

Among the hundreds of subjects who participated in his experiments, he finds that only 0.2% of the population who followed no training prior to coming to recognize and identify those with near-perfection microexpressions: anger, disgust, fear, surprise, contempt, sadness and joy.

Further analysis of its individuals with exceptional abilities frequently reveal psychological profiles of individuals with difficult childhood ... Victims of abusive parents or having grown up in a fundamentally hostile environment, they have caused, by ingenious coping mechanisms and survival, learn to decipher the intentions of those around them.

What Dr. Lightman and his team did not look at during their research is the existence of a different kind of "natural" ...

Those who can not decrypt, but pretend these microexpressions, those who, to preserve their inner truth, were able to learn to master a level so high it becomes almost impossible to detect what they hide, in short, the perfects liars.

The lie is that the result of a truth that matters little.

This question me and I intend to try to understand through this dissertation that is why, from a high panel of possibilities like repression, deflexion and other avoidance techniques, some humans choose to fight against the truth that way?

Cal Lightman wants to bring out the truth ... I want to shatter the lie. "

Professor Gladwell rested in front of him the research project that he had read and refocus his attention on his most brilliant and promising student who's sat in front of him, on the other side of his desk.

- "Miss you have knowledge that such research work, in addition to being extremely tedious, almost goes against the work of Dr. Cal Lightman?  
If this does not pose the only problem to see a graduate student taking up the cons of a world famous talented scientist, for that I am little worried, after all, here at Johns Hopkins we appreciate and encourage the audacity youth. I am more concerned, however, is that scientist in question is also your father ... "

Emily Lightman stared at her very emeritus professor and made a quick grin.

- "In this case I can assure you, my father also encouraged the boldness and intellectual outpouring, I would even say that he researchs it". Sha says very carefully, as always.

Gladwell Henry nodded, smiling.

- "I have no doubt. Your father is he aware of the turn your researchs are following?"

- "Not yet, I must confess that I expected to get your complete blessing before. You will understand without difficulty that the applicant for graduate school for next year as I am about to do, leaves me not really allowed to make mistakes ... I want to be sure that my project is well adjusted with the axes of the laboratory of Hopkins, otherwise I should redirect my choice of subject." Justified the girl with skill.

- "Oh it is ..." Gladwell stated in rubbing his temple with an air of weary. "And now we are rather in short supply of such person that you, miss Lightman, you probably do know the lower level of excellence to which our laboratory has accustomed us unfortunately ... If you were capable, and I know that you are, to carry out such a project is the insured article, and of course my support during the deliberation of acceptances PhD.

Emily winced, however, although the understanding of body language is not his greatest asset, his mentor's speech was somewhat inadequate with his posture.

- "What could this problem arise in this case?" She tried.

- "The way you plan to conduct this study involves a clear certification from the University about your steps, and since most of your theoretical and practical research that will in the Lightman Group, I would not you like me find ourselves in an ideological conflict that would undermine each of the parties involved, if you see what I mean "...

Emily nodded, air reassuring.

- "Do not worry Professor, I will explain my project clearly to the team that welcomed me, I would put in writing all of my assumptions and results so that no gray area still continues ... You have my report in two weeks to the day on your desk if I get the green light of yours.

Emily punctuated the end of her speech with a little knowing smile. As is accustomed, she had been able to foresee and anticipate the concerns of the research supervisor and was eager to settle.

Henry Gladwell returned his smile with a shared enthusiasm and affixed his signature at the bottom of the project before shaking hands with his young protégé and looks her escape out of his office.

The girl definitly promised a thunderous entrance into this world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Emily left the building that housed the administrative offices of the prestigious Johns Hopkins University and cross the campus with slow steps.

The air was still warm from the begining of September and the girl allowed herself to take a cup of coffee from the Starbucks kiosk located along the way. She takes a little more time, enjoing the sunlight before finally returning to her car parked a little further on the student parking lot.

Once before her car, she leaned against the hood to finish her still steaming coffee. She wondered if it was possible that life would always be like that: sweet and promising, guaranteeing bright hopes for the future ...

Then she thought no, probably not.

Although not inherently pessimistic, she knew how quickly you could get out of this temporary bliss in which she seemed to evolve since joining the faculty: an easy life, loving and caring parents, the best friends you imaginable, scandalously high academic achievements... Only dream more?

Emily threw down her now empty cup in a trash can nearby, before getting into her car and start to get to Lightman Group, where her father had recently hired her to complete her census research internship fourth year.

Even though it was traveling slowly, for the obvious leagues of red lights of Washington, she rehashing the fresh conversation she had had with Gladwell. No doubt he was interested in her research project, even if trying to hide his enthusiasm. He had issued a small flat on methodological issues, but she was doing relatively well, maybe even too well. In advised psychologist that he was, Emily had expected a question of motivational order from his part. Her choice of subject was, nevertheless, under benign.

After all this would be hard enough to justify herself to her father so who cares?.

_I read everything that my father and some other less talented authors have been writing about the "natural" and I find it fascinating. The findings on the profiles of its people are unequivocal: read the other to survive ..._

I share the same need for my part: the other kind of "natural" fool the other to survive.

_My father is not a natural even though his gift is amazing and the effects are extremely similar. __He worked hard for this for over 20 years._

For my part I am a natural for the other type: I grew up beside the greatest human lie detector across the country, or probably even the world, I had to learn to lie beyond excellence to survive.

Building on my life on an protective illusion is an extraordinarily complicated exercise: it's painful, it's scary and it's every day.

I do not lie with delight, but with necessity.

Does it makes me feel less guilty?

Probably ... After all I have a strong survival instinct.

I'm good in my field, I may be one of the best. However I live in fear that my family finds out what I spend my life desperately trying to hide. _I live in fear of committing an error, sooner or later, that will be fatal to me ... __but until it, I live._

Emily used her pass to the terminal of the staff car park Lightman Group and the barrier rose before her. She parked at her emplacement and then went down to get the elevator and go to the upper floors as two times a week.

She passed the desk of Heidi, who hung on her phone, nonetheless a charming smile, waving her hand. She then struck the office saying 'Cal Lightman', and penetrated even before being prompted. Her father greeted her, looking up from his record.

- "Hello my darling, how was your interview with 'Henry heart of dragon'?" He began sarcastically.

-" Very well, thank for worring. And do not call him like that please, I recall that my mentor and he does everything he can for me"! Crops she amused.

- "I also do everything I can for you love and I do not feel entitled to as much esteem from you" ...

- "Ha ha you make me cry, thou hast not really encouraged when I announced that I've chosen to work with him, if I remember correctly!"

- "Because it broke my entrails to see my little genius and her talent in the hands of the 'enlightened conscience guy' "!

- "This 'enlightened conscience guy' as you say so, has two degrees higher than you dad".

- "You tore my heart ..." Cal exaggerated his gestures with accompanying the speech in a grotesque grimace that makes laughed his daughter.

_It would destroyed him to know. The amplitude of my secret is such that he would ask himself if he had ever known me. He loves me so much, I can not do that to him, nor him, nor to my mother.  
_  
Cal now mimicked a stroke stake in the chest with the help of a pen and Emily laughed uproariously.

_He would put my whole life and his in question, searching in vain for what he had missing, he could have changed. The problem is that he would not have been luckier than me when it all began. __I have not had the choice, the only thing I can do now is doing the best because this butterfly effect affects all my movements, all my decisions and any of my thoughts ... __ and it creates the remarkable illusion of my life._

-" I gotta go, I have work to do" . Emily cut at this moment of complicity.

-" And do not mess with this, it seems that the boss is a tyrant! Just a sound of corridors". He blurted.

- "This is what I heard. Can I still use your office this morning? You're on the field right?"

- "Absolutely, Gillian and I have an appointment to interview all the bankers of the group 'Pearson & Goring'. There is one who is accused of diverting more than $ 500,000 and of course the shareholders are not very happy. Suffice to say that it will be fair to suit and ties and liars ... You never noticed how the two were often subtly linked?"

- "I thought you were against the amalgam like that?" She tried with feigned naive.

-" I have educated you so well" ... Rejoiced Cal. " In short my office is to you, am trying to make it as presentable as it is today!"

- "As if I was the disorderly us both!" Dropped the girl before running off with a smile. "Good luck for this morning".

- "You too". He shouted across the hallway.

Emily arrived in the makeshift office of Locker, who seemed busy with his new mini basketball hoop, she lets the young man heard a subtle clearing of the throat which startled him.

-" Em Gee, you scared me! I thought it was" ...

- "My father or Ria"? She questioned curious.

-" Actually I do not know exactly which one I care the most scared". He confessed sheepishly.

- "Well reassure you, this is only the 'student' ... So, you could find the items I asked you? " She continued more seriously. Locker pointed a battery fairly consistent review of all kinds.

- "Everything except the data of Shaver et al contrebalencement in 1978! Who's the beast"? Strutted the young man fidgeting from left to right.

- "Not the Beast of basketball I hope, I saw you miss no fewer than eight baskets in the space of not even 15 minutes!" Ria suddenly interrupted which in turn entered into the office.

- "Because you spying on me now"? Eli replied an indignant.

- "No but we can not say that you're the discretion embodied and 'shit' all clams are visible from the top copier"! Ria defended herself.

- "Oh you're is just a little frustrated because it's quiet now, and it must play the secretaries"!

_They bicker all the time and come to completely forget my presence. I spend a lot of time observing them and all the others. If they had any idea of their __chances and their ridiculous stupidity. This is sometimes a painful sight to watch two people who obviously attracted to each other, turn around and never engage while evidently, each waiting for this ... __All this time wasted, all that mess and on behalf of what good reason?_

- "Hey Emily". Note finally Ria Torres." How are you?"

- "Very well thank you". Grin Emily. "I came to retrieve items that Eli was able to find me because I did not yet pass to remove its myself from the archives".

- "Oh my god, what do you do in return?" Ria asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow toward Locker.

- "I'm just fill some reports, nothing too bad and anyway I really need this documentation". Asserted the girl.

- "Hey!" Said Locker indignant to the attention of his colleague. "I want you to know that I am not a bully after all"!

- "I do not bet on that". Replied Torres. "Anyway Emily, you can ask me the next time it will be a pleasure to accompany you to the archives".

- "It's nice Ria but I think I'll receive my badge in the week". Declined Emily preparing to leave. "Thank you anyway".

- "No worries". Ria said before the girl left the room.

It's n_ot that I do not like Ria, in contrary, I find her very very nice, the fact remains that she's definitely the biggest threat to me._

Ria is staggering, really stunning. I understand why she was hired in the first place and I know that in her presence I have even less place for error than ever. _The slightest gesture, the slightest twitch of my hand would be enough __for her to discover the whole truth. __Unlike my father, her outsider's view will not let me no chance for doubt it, and I'll be over for good._

Emily returned to her father office and settled down comfortably with a coffee before the plunge in her readings. She loved these moments: read and think about nothing else ... almost. She was sometimes so deeply immersed in her work that she lost all sense of time, like this morning when she saw, looking up at the clock, it was already 11:45 AM. She began to assemble her business to leave because she had to be on campus early in the afternoon to attend her working group in social psychology.

Just before disappearing from the office, she heard voices raised in the direction of the room, voices, though still unclear, leave no doubt as to the identity of future visitors.

- " You've still no concrete evidence to bring charges againt Tucker Jones! Cal you know that Pearson and Goring will never want to take the risk of a false statement. They are not followers of the 'false preaching to learn the truth' if you want my opinion and you will have to seriously rethink your action methods!" Lectured Gillan Foster entered the room at the heels of a very angry Cal.

- "We'll gain valuable time! No but seriously how many major investors come in golf attire at the office knowing to be under investigation of an outrageous media coverage? I'll bet $ 100 this guy is involved in this case in addition to being the biggest idiot ever!" Yelled Cal.

- "Maybe, but we need proof anyway"!

Cal sighed exed before dropping into his chair wearily.

- "Well then we will send Ria at the time, I did not return there".

- "I never doubted it". Gillian quipped before recording the discreet presence at the other side of the room.

- " Hi Emily, I do not know you were here this morning". She says, approaching the girl to come and kiss.

- "In fact I'm about to leave". She clarified. "Tough morning"? She snapped to attention of both.

- "Do you remember the festival's 50 years of your maternal grandfather"? Questioned Cal.

- "I see". Emily nodded now convinced.

- " Tell me, I know you already have dinner with your mother before last night, and that your schedule is hectic as a student, but would you made me the pleasure to settle your Wednesday night to your father?" Asked Cal.

- "You have something special in mind"? Questioned Emily, not really settled by this proposal. She had promised her friend Charlotte to go see a movie with her.

- "Nothing special really but Gillian and I had quite a difficult job recently and have thought a quiet night we would do no harm if you're up to join us. You're getting rare these days" ... He tried to make her feel guilty.

- "Stop it Dad, you know it's not against you or mom, who also make me reproach, but I have a lot of work right now" ...

- "Yes it stop Cal". Defended Gillian. "Everyone does not die of want to see you in your beautiful kitchen apron". Laughed, she openly making a nod to Emily. The girl smiled in reply.

- "Feels like the apron is out for the party and it does not leave me much choice" ... She yielded.

- " I knew you could not resist me". Cal overcame joyfully raising victorious arms to the sky. Emily raised her eyes.

- "That's it Dad, you're the best" ... She says, kissing him. "Then I'll see you Wednesday. Goodbye Gillian". She added with a gesture and a smile.

- "See you Wednesday Emy". The young woman replied looking away, getting ready to hit two words to her partner about the forcing methods he used on his daughter.

_The game is extremely subtle, I must not get lost and keep in mind that I have to usually let the situation turn in my favor, without trying to provoke it too directly._

I am not a complet monster, I even tell myself that I also do that fot all of them. I lie to preserve them in a sense.

A_nyway, how could I say to my father that the only thing that I ever loved in my whole existence, is Gillian Foster?_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Once on the campus of Johns Hopkins, Emily phoned her best friend Charlotte to cancel their plans for the next day.

She pretended to almost rightly dinner with her father she could not miss.

Charlotte, as usual, proved very understanding and assured her friend that it was only a postponement. Emily apologized again, promising to catch up, and she would have preferred to spend the evening with her as planned. That on which she hung up. Truly Emily exulted inwardly at the idea of an evening with Gillian.

She crossed the park, came to the library and read through the University's motto: "Veritas your liberabit, "The truth shall set you free" …" She read this sentence in Latin sounding so melodious each time, and as always, she could not help but question this assertion. The truth always made you free? She seriously doubted that.

_Hidding the truth about my feelings for Gillian is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do._

_I remember the day it all began, I was just 12 years old, my father had just returned from the Pentagon because of a sordid affair, I'm still not sure I understand, and he and my mother crossed what may be termed 'hard time' ... An evening the mother of a friend brought me back home, my father opened the door looked less sad than usual, thanked our neighbor, and leaned toward me, explaining he was not alone, that's in the kitchen was a young woman who is now one of his colleagues ... I remember clearly being abruptly decide to take a dislike to this mysterious stranger in my home! I remember having imagined, between the entrance and kitchen, equipped with all the the most repulsive default ... And most of all, I remember "the vision", Gillian Foster, a brilliant psychologist of just 26 years, a beauty beyond insanity, she __was breathtaking ... I remember biting my lips, thinking against my will that I had never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life._

She then turned to me and timidly kissed on my cheek as she whispered to me with her enchanting voice, that she was really pleased to meet me.

_On that day, I believe that everything has really started ... I stopped being Lightman Emily, only child of a couple of careerists in the breach, ignoring, at the dawn of her teenage years, what she will be able to become. I became Emily Lightman, a girl who at just 12 years, had already found her purpose in life: to become someone who could one day impress the wonderful Gillian Foster._

This meeting laid the groundwork for a problem to become increasingly complex to the son for years.

Emily became hailed from afar by a group of four students, to whom she answered with a nod and a smile. She quickly joined them and all gained a table a bit away from the huge Department of Psychology at the Hopkins Library.

_It's quickly became what it was supposed to happen I guess: Gillian came full foot in all our lives. My father loved very quickly, almost as fast as my mother had despised her, and for my part, my admiration for the young woman has grown a little more each day._

As she was often a subject that aggravates a lot of tension between my parents, I decided it would be wise to hide my adoration for her, and to feign indifference towards her, and began my silence ... of course I did not realize at the time of what would happen, and the vicious circle in which I sank slowly.

At that age I thought I just wanted to be like Gillian later on ... Adolescence has changed all that.  
_  
Around 14-15 years I've realized that all my girlfriends swooned with admiration for all the singers of rock fashion, actors of sitcoms, and I always felt out of sync. I only had eyes for Gillian who was so beautiful and smart, and I waited with the same fervor is expected on Christmas morning, moments I will see her at the Lightman Group, or nights that she and her husband would come home for dinner._

I did not tell anyone and I started to say interest to all these masculine icons in fashion either, thinking that before long, my friends matured, putting us well on the same length of wave. I realized that claiming to be like everyone else, I could melt into the ground incredibly well, so I practiced more this technique, at school and at home, and strangely nobody s realized anything ...

One night while I was in high school, Gillian and her husband Alec came home to dinner. At that time my parents were already separated for a year and a half, but the marriage of Gillian seemed to be in full swing. At dessert time when I was supposed to help my father in the kitchen I looked in the half-open door to see if Gillian seemed to enjoy the chocolate fondant that I had passed the post noon to do secretly for her.

At that moment, I saw Alec kissing her fervently, stroking her thigh under her skirt, probably not aware of being observed as well. I felt pain for the first ... I could not tell exactly why, the sight of this happyly married couple put me in such a state, all I knew was that for a dark reason, I hated that damn Alec with all my forces.

A few weeks after this incident, that I took great care not to rehash, things have really flipped for me.

It was a quiet afternoon at the Lightman Group, one afternoon as there were so many. I finished my classes earlier and I conversed cheerfully with friends on the web, when Gillian came in my father's office to inform me about my _father's delay. Since she was little work I dropped what I was doing and we began to talk about everything and nothing, sitting comfortably on the sofa._

I do not know at this day, on what our conversation was, but I remember very clearly the desire that came to me, as sudden and intense, of kissing Gillian.

It only lasted a second but it had the effect of an explosion inside me. I do not have immediately understood what was happening. Luckily, Gillian did not seem to notice anything of it as she continued her monologue, laughing. I quickly found an excuse to go and I'm locked up in my room until evening. That night was the longest of my life, I have not slept in torturing myself trying to understand and analyze what had been happening in me to feel such a desire! Several weeks passed before this I stop fighting hard against the evidence that came over me: I was in love with Gillian ... it was a disaster.

I have not told anyone, not to change, and I have hardly begun to take the hit. First I carefully avoided Gillian some time, I even at the height of desperation, trying to hate, but it did not work either.

My survival instinct quickly pushed me to correct me if I didn't wanted that my father, or someone else, understand what I had just discovers myself. So I continued to do what I knew best: pretending ...

If I could not fight against my feelings, I could at least control my actions. 

_And it worked, beyond all my expectations._

Emily began to lead the debate under the watchful eyes of her four comrades before one of them takes her on.

After a few minutes, and once the work shared, each was immersed in a different book, raising their head from time to time, to share an idea or ask advice.

_I'm sure not one of them has the smallest doubt of anything, neither my friends nor my family, not even Gillian._

_They are not aware of being in their own way, one more piece in the chess of my life of lies. __I move my pawns strategically to protect my queen, I took care to fool the opposing party to avoid failure and mast ... __Nothing is left to chance, the slightest movement, the smallest decision serves my cause every day which is Gillian. Each new move is a success but the game is far from over ..._

Here's how I came to everyone: the young and promising Emily, well adjusted, leading a healthy and balanced life, surrounded and loved by loved ones, promised to show her passion for study, to have _a great career ...  
_  
Once their work accomplished, the five comrades bowed before the exit, apparently satisfied with the results of newly completed of their presentation.

Emily drove until the apartment she rented near the campus.

_I just wonder: how long will I be able to perpetuate this illusion... And however,if the veil had to tear, will I feel it?_


	4. Chapter 4

So I'll try to keep going with this story.

A HUGE THANKS to my beta, Raspberry63, for her kindness and all her good advises, without you I would have give up on it...

**Chapter 4**

The following Wednesday came quickly and Emily felt a gentle warmth rising in her at the idea of the coming dinner. That was quite a while since she had spent time with Gillian besides of working hours, and she began to cruelly miss their personal conversations.

Emily arrived slightly early that night, arms loaded with a bottle of Chardonnay and an imposing flat of red fruit crumble that she could not help making.

_Gillian loves crumble..._

Her father, who had watched her arrive through the window, hastened to lend her a hand.

- "My darling what the hell did I told you on the phone last night?" Cal growled.

- "Do not bring anything but your delightful presence." Emily chanted in a tone of first class. "But dad I'd point out to you that my delicious presence, as you say so, unfortunately won't be enough to fill our stomachs at the end of dinner." She pointed with accuracy.

- "I told you that I cooked didn't I"? Cal secured.

- "That's what you mentioned actually, or if I remember correctly you said that you have prepared very accurately, and I quote: 'parfaits with orange cage love'..." Clarified the girl.

- "Bold choice on my part I grant you, but I still see no problem." Cal frowned confused.

- "Daddy I appreciate your many talents without discussion, but you must admit that taming fruits in the kitchen is far from being one of them... Do you remember your last attempt of Flammkuchen with banana and pistachio nuts? Emily inquired innocently.

- "Simple error of course" ... Said Cal with bad faith. "And I would appreciate a little more confidence on your part. After all we have to live dangerously my darling, and since when having dinner without dessert is a crime?"

- "It's perfectly fine with me but not with Gillian ... A meal without dessert isn't living dangerously for her, this is downright suicidal!" Emily replied, recalling her father the unconditional love his colleague had for sweet foods. Cal looked at his daughter with a grin.

- "We did well, your mother and me, to include ' brain option' to your genetic code during your conception!".

- "Thanks Dad, I think I prefer to forget this disturbing comment on my conception and imagine instead that you just did me a compliment!" Quipped the girl.

Following this brief verbal joust, father and daughter were working hard to make the meal that Cal had already begun. And to be perfectly honest, Emily had to admit that the rising fragrance of subtle flavors of duck with mango was enough to open the appetite.

Predictably, the 'perfect with orange cage of love' was a bitter failure and Emily could not restrain a few small well scathing hostilities which were cut by the sound of the door's bell.

- "I'm going to open!" Threw the girl already in the hallway.

- "If our guests are professional kidnappers tell them that it's out of question that I pay any ransom for you!" Cal screamed.

- "I'll tell them!".

Emily finally opened the door to discover Gillian dressed more casually than at work but still very class.

Emily felt a long shiver at the sight of the beautiful body standing right before her.

_Help me God..._

In a second time which lasted in reality only a few fractions of seconds, Emily noticed the large rectangular dish Gillian was holding firmly against her.

- "Dessert?" Questioned the girl playfully.

- "I would say 'B plan'." Gillan clarified. "It's a chocolate cake as I heard your father mention on the phone yesterday something about a dessert with oranges ..." Justified the young woman.

Emily could not suppress a chuckle.

- "Good thing for us believe me but wait a few minutes to point this out to dad, I think the subject will be sensitive for some time..." Emily took the dish from Gillian's hand, before guiding her toward the kitchen.

- "Count on me" Gillian whispered with a knowing look entering the scene of the disaster.

- "Good evening, Cal ... But what a delicious scent of orange I smell!" She threw doubtfully to the cook still mumbling who replied with a single grunt of frustration.

_The evening promises to be good ..._ Emily thought amused.

The evening continued actually in the good mood in which it had begun. The conversations were sometimes slight, sometimes serious but mostly revolved around two areas: Emily's studies and life at Lightman Group.

The Lightman Group which was just about to celebrate its 10th anniversary, an event highly anticipated, and this, in two weeks.

If the magnitude of the feast to come titillated Gillian more than ever, Cal was already complaining for having to make a thanking speech to "all the generous hypocrital donors anxious to keep their secret bond or small embezzlement '.. .

- Cal, all of our donors do not pay us just to cover themselves ... " Gillian replied tiredly.

- "You really want me to give you a list?" Cal threw with an air of defiance.

- "No thank you" declined her friend too aware of the dangerous way in which she might engage. To prevent this futile discussion, she began to take the empty plates to the kitchen, immediately followed by Emily.

- "Leave it!'' Ordered Cal. ''I'm taking care of that, and meanwhile I leave you two making fun of my dessert, and schedule ponies and poodles shows of which only the two of you have the secret to celebrate the 10 years Lightman Group as it should be! "

- "I think that's a sarcastic way to let us rest as we are 'guests' while he's taking care of all housework and coffee." Emily replied very conscious of the proximity of his father.

- "I totally agree, and I find it very touching ..." Gillian went on mocking.

- "It's definitly time for me to leave!" Cal dropped falsely jaded when his best friend and daughter settled comfortably on the sofa.

Once Cal was in the kitchen out of sight, Gillian stretched at full length, eyes closed, against the stall in the back of the sofa, releasing a sigh of satisfaction.

Emily smiled inwardly at the sight of the show and allowed herself to contemplate her a little closer. Gillian looked so relaxed, dropping the professional mask she put on at work ...

_She is more beautiful than ever in these times ... When we are alone, she lowers her guard and she becomes so natural, giving me the delicious impression of being perfectly comfortable and confident._

Gillian finally opened her eyes and turned to Emily.

- "Your crumble was a success and it has definitely gotten the better of me ... I feel that I will regret reusing myself twice after the first part when I should choose a new dress for the evening ... "

- "Your chocolate cake defended itself quite well either. And see the bright side, you would always be able to hide behind a pony." Emily suggested by imitating the facial expressions of Cal.

Gillian smiled for an answer and send her a cushion.

- "Careful young girl I think you start to look a bit like your father, I feel that we need to take radical steps to avoid it!"

- "I think it's a lost cause he has already invaded half of my genetic code." Emily remarked.

- "Seriously" ... Gillan said. "I really need a new dress for the party and I though you could come shopping with me. I do not know if you want a new outfit, but I'd be pleased to spend a moment alone with you. We do not really had the opportunity lately. Unless of course you have anything better to do this week, which I understand perfectly ... "

_Something better than speding time with you?_

- "It's quite the opposite, I had also planned to go shopping for the occasion." Lied Emily who had already sent one of her dresses to the cleaners. "Go for shopping seems to be an excellent plan ... Why not Wednesday, I finish the course earlier. Is it okay for you?" Questioned the girl, hoping that her voice would not seem too eager.

- "One of the advantages of being the boss is being able to pay myself free hours from time to time ..." Gillian smiled mischievously.

- "Even when it's to go shopping with a simple student?" Emily teased. "You could be accused of making favoritism."

- "You're right, I had not thought of it." Gillian replied in a falsely worried tone. "We should take Heidi and Joe from security, to avoid those kinds of rumors!"

- "I'm sure Joe will be very elegant in a blue nightdress ..." Emily decreed the least serious of the world. The two girls laughed at the same time.

- "I still can not realize that it will make 10 years that your father and I founded The Lightman Group." Gillian went nostalgic. "A decade ... It seemed to pass in a flash."

- "You've come a long way yet, I still remember Dad and you, sitting at the table in our old kitchen, making plans for funding and local arrangments which I did not understand. "

- "Yes I remember that period. After the first difficult year, things soon light up, the group expanded, the customers came from all sides ... I remember the party for the five years of the group, regardless after we got our first contract in excess of one million dollars ... " Gillian continued by remembering those years more or less difficult.

"The celebration of 5 years really was a success: the atmosphere, the decor, the guests. I was still married to Alec at the time ..." Gillian's gaze got lost a bit more into the void when her voice became more grave.

"Five years ago ... My own company was taking a nice flight, I had a solid and happy marriage, I had just decided to make a baby ..." Gillian paused and Emily respected her silence, wondering how the conversation had taken a turning point as painful for Gillian.

"When I think of this feast to come, sometimes I really wonder if I advance. Alec remarrid barely two months ago... Of course I love my work but there are moments when I think that this may not be enough and that I probably missed something ...". Gillian raised her head on Emily and seemed to be aware, at the same time, of the moment of weakness she had to surrender.

- "Oh sweety I'm sorry, I did not want to bore you with all of that." She apologized sincerely.

- "You do not bore me Gillian I assure you." Promised Emily. ''I just hate that you can think such things about you ... ". Replied the young girl taking on her to hide her grief." Do you miss Alec? "

- "Not really. I miss the idea of Alec sometimes. You know, just knowing that somewhere, someone is thinking of you and is eager to find you home ... Even when I knew I was wrong and that Alec was cheating on me, I still had this feeling, and now I miss it a little ... But not Alec, no. "

_If only you knew, that to me, you're the only thin__g__ I can think about... all the time ..._

- "Are you happy?" Asked the girl, fearing the answer.

- "Yes." Gillian assured anxious to catch up. "Yes of course. I'd tell you that I love what I do. No life is perfect, but I assure you that I love mine. And then there's your father and you ... Having both of you is a great chance that I am very aware of. " Gillian smiled with sincerity before sliding a hand through Emily's hair. "And see the beautiful young woman you are becoming, so bright and full of life ... It's a real happiness." Enthused Gillian approached a little closer of Emily, as to enjoy more of this complicity.

_That my shine and my life are entierly due to you..._

- "And I can not wait to watch all the doors open in front of you, or see you fall madly in love ... and believe me it happens sooner than you think." Promised the young woman.

_That I'm already wildly and unreasonably in love, and the only door I'd like to see open is the one of your heart._

- "It seems indeed". Emily contained with pain. "Either what happen or what you think... I do not want you to be different... I think you're just perfect this way ..." She finished, barely whispering.  
_  
Whatever.. you're a thousand miles from doubting anything, no matter that I confess a little of my weakness too ?_

An angel passed and a surprised expression crossed Gillian's face, who was about to answer, when Cal made its way into the living room, holding a tray filled with cups of coffee in his hands.

- "Do not tell me that I'm interrupting one of your discussions on crappy novels!" Cal rebelled vaguely aware of the heavy atmosphere of the room.

- "You interrupted a very serious discussion of girls, but certainly not on the books." Gillian stated in a tone of wanting to be more lightweight. "We were talking about shopping ...'' she ended by throwing a quick glance at Emily, the usual small eyes which meant that Cal did not needs to know everything. Look to which Emily replied with a nod.

- "So it's almost worse than I thought" mumbled Cal defeated.

The evening finally touched to its end and it was Gillian who obviously reluctantly left the house not without kissing Cal and Emily, thanking them for this great time and wishing them good night.

After Emily had finished placing the plates in the dishwasher, she joined her father in the living room and opted for the armchair across from his.

- "Gillian is right it was a very pleasant evening and I must confess that I had almost forgotten how much I appreciated it: Gillian, you and me ... We should definitely do this more often." Cal thought aloud.

- "We see each other almost every day." Pointed the girl.

- "It's different."

- "I know. The last time we had dinner together goes back so long?" Emily questioned falsely familiar with the answer.

_There was almost a year, for my 22 birthday. Gillian gave me my leather bag, the sam__e sh__e had been offered when she __had__ her degree in psychology, she had promise me that it would bring me luck in my future and long career ..._

- "Yes there is quite a time, I will not say how long exactly but between you in college and my busy schedule, we had really lost the habit ..." Cal painfully remembered. Emily was content to acquiesce.

- "And speaking of college, I must also fit, I have school early tomorrow." "Added she, rising.

- "You could sleep here and leave early tomorrow morning ..." Cal tried.

- "Nice try dad, but I think you've had your quota of nostalgia for today ..." Emily took her jacket and kissed her father tenderly before retrieving her bag. "We do not see each other until Tuesday morning, then spent a good weekend and do not let Gillian organize the party alone." Anticipated the girl.

- "I promise ..." Yielded Cal. "Good night darling and see you on Tuesday."

With that, Emily finally left the house and got into her car towards her apartment.

_There we are. Another evening spent handily, but __lord the__ skill is exhausting. I feel drained of all strength._

I always have a little trouble following moment like tonight, not knowing which state I am in. _I'm still bathed in this strange but warm thought of the complicity__, increasingly strong, that I share with Gillian. On the other hand, I feel my heart __torn apart__ at the thought that I have nothing else to wait __from__ those stolen moments, when I look at her quietly, when I let her pass her hand through my hair, without a clue the meaning of her gesture to me._

Be nothing more for her than the daughter of Cal, and this, forever.

We're so close... and at the end, so far. I feel fulfilled in her presence, and also paradoxically never so desperately alone.

Each of these small moments make me realize a little more cruelly what I already and hardly know: I'll never have Gillian ...

_I declined the offer of my father to stay home for the night. I need to be alone at home because I__ do not have__ to preten__d, to __desperately hold myself together ... Just lie on my bed and cry because there is nothing else I can do._

Next week, I will help Heidi decorate the lobby of Lightman Group, I will remove upsetting comments from my father's speech, and I'll choose a dress with Gillian, because that is how things should be, and it's for the best ...

The only thought that comforts me and helps me to justify this aweful game, is to know that Gillian _will __never __know__ anything._


End file.
